Diagnosis: Metastatic Breast Cancer

Metastatic Breast Cancer. I'm still processing. What does this mean? How did this happen? What does this mean for the rest of my life?

I'm creating this blog as a way for me to process. It will be scattered but that's how I'm functioning these days. For now this blog is public but I may change that. I may be doing that so I don't have to retell this past month or maybe my experience is relatable to someone that can help me through this. Either way, I know I need to do this right now.

During the better part of July I started having pelvic pain. It was like a constant cramp or contraction that never went away. After meeting with my oncology surgeon for a routine check-up (Wednesday) I shared what I was experiencing. The next day (Thursday) I met with a nurse at my OBGYN office, had an in-office ultrasound, and walked out with the business card for a gynecologic cancer surgeon. On the ultrasound they found a "suspicious" tumor on my ovary along with fluid between my ovary and kidney. My body went numb and all I could do was cry. The nurse followed suit and teared up with me. (Didn't help my anxiety.) All I wanted to do was go home. I'm not sure how I made it home but miracles happen.

If you know anything about Dan, you know how persistent he is. After sharing this information with him he got on the phone with the nurse to ask all of the questions I couldn't, made an appointment with the gynecologic surgeon, and spoke with every doctor he knows to play out every possible scenario. His persistence paid off and Friday I had my extensive ultrasound and Monday an appointment to meet with the surgeon. 

The stress of all of the unknowns was awful. Sitting at home wasn't going to help so we took Jackson and Claire to Semiahmoo for the weekend while Will and Tenley went to my parent's house. We relaxed, found seashells on the beach, got pedicures (my boys love them just as much as I do), swam, and tried to eat some food. Anything to occupy our minds.

Sometimes timing has a way of working things out. Before all of this craziness one of my best friends, who I haven't seen in years (thank you covid), planned a trip to come visit. I was looking forward to her visit now more than ever. We weren't the most exciting bunch with our emotions going crazy, but I was grateful to have her here. 

On Monday Dan and I met with Dr. Paley. There were a lot of questions that wouldn't be answered until after surgery but the one thing we did know is that I would need a hysterectomy. I'm not sure if they fit me in the schedule so quick because they were tired of Dan calling or because of my situation, but they got me on the schedule for Wednesday. Like in two days Wednesday. Let me remind you that I went from a regular check-up on the previous Wednesday to a full hysterectomy the following Wednesday. I could have used some anxiety meds.

I'm not sure what was worse. The bowel prep or the surgery. I had no idea what I was in. I was just anxious for the discomfort/pain to be gone. The surgery before mine ran late so Dan and I tried to pass the time with some Ted Lasso. I'm so grateful to have Dan by my side through all of this. 

My surgery that was supposed to be three hours turned into six. I remember getting to my room around 11:30pm, after visiting hours. In my groggy state of mind I called Dan right away. He wanted to wait to share the pathology results until he came in the morning but I insisted. The tumor was cancerous and my parents were on their way. Cancer cells in my uterus. Cancer cells in my Fallopian tubes. Cancer on my omentum. Cancer in my pelvic cavity. 

I was terrified. Scared for my life. What if there is nothing after this life? I have four beautiful kids. I'm not ready to go. I don't want to miss out on their lives. My parents and husband have given me such a wonderful life. I'm not ready to go. Is this treatable? How can this be the end of my life? I'm not prepared for this.

It was a good thing I was pumped with some drugs or I would not have been able to sleep. Dan showed up at 9am right when visiting hours started. My surgeon came in not long after to go over the results with me. All I remember her saying was, "This is not good." What the hell did that mean?! I kindly declined to see the images from surgery and Dan went to talk with her in the hall. This didn't make sense! I went through treatment. I don't have the BRCA gene. I did chemo. I had a bilateral mastectomy. I did seven weeks of radiation. I did a year of maintenance chemo. This wasn't supposed to happen!

Once again, all I wanted to do was go home. I wanted to be in my house, with my kids, with my husband, with my mom. All I had to do was go to the bathroom on my own. I have low blood pressure, which is only lowered by pain meds, so this was going to be a challenge. First attempt was a fail. I didn't get farther than sitting up on the edge of the bed. A few hours later and a little food I accomplished the task and was discharged not long after. Home had never felt so good.

There were still a lot of unanswered questions (more testing needed) but I was home and with my family and savoring every minute of it.

Some pictures from our Semiahmoo getaway: